


don't go

by TheMostPsychotic (ymirjotunn)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Sadstuck, eridan is a sad bird
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-26
Updated: 2012-04-26
Packaged: 2017-11-04 09:05:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/392122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ymirjotunn/pseuds/TheMostPsychotic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A look at the relationship that ended the life of an heiress.</p>
            </blockquote>





	don't go

**Author's Note:**

> It switches between the past and the present. Apologies if that's not clear!!

“)(i!” she shouted in your ear.

It startled you, enough that you dipped under the waves for a moment. When you resurfaced, she was gone.

And then in a second she was back. “)(i,” she repeated, less loudly this time, and you were thankful for it.

“hello,” you said, tugging on a fin. You didn’t talk to girls too often. Or anyone, at all, really. You were pretty much a loner.

“My name is F-EF-ERI,” the girl chirped. “W)(at’s YOURS?”

“eridan,” you told her.

“\----ERIDAN!” she shouted. You winced a little. “Let’s be FRONDS, okay?!?”

“yeah,” you said, shrugging. “sure.”

She laughed, and you could feel her arms encircling your waist, brushing past your gills. “GR---EAT!! We are going to )(ave SO much FUN!”

She said something else, you’re sure, but you don’t remember that anymore. After she hugged you, all you can remember is the electricity – that feeling of rightness that swam through your veins when she touched you.

You knew, then, that you needed Feferi.

* * *

“leave ff alone,” he says, his mouth curling into a sneer. “she’2 not even your moiiraiil anymore. let alone your mate2priit.”

“shut up,” you tell the wall, because you don’t have the energy to talk to Sollux directly. “just. shut. up.”

“look2 like ii hit a 2ore 2pot,” Sollux snickers, and that’s when you turn around and hit him.

The contact of fist to nub makes a satisfying crack, and then you’re running down the hallway before he can recover from the surprise.

You’re weak.

You’re always weak without her.

* * *

“\--------ERIDAN!”

You jumped, even though you knew you should be used to this by now. “hi fef.”

“I just wanted to stop by and see )(ow you were doing 38)” she said, laying a hand on your shoulder.

Your gills shifted beneath your shirt, matching your jumping heartbeat, and you forced yourself to speak without your voice shaking. “fine, just hangin out reelly.”

“Are you finis)(ing up some new plans for destroying t)(e lowbloods?” Her voice was teasing, light, a lilt that danced into your aural canals, filled your stomach with a heady pleasure.

It took you, therefore, a second to decipher what she said and come up with a suitable response: “yup you knoww me too wwell fef, this time i’m cookin up a plan that’s sure to wwork real wwell!”

She laughed, knowing you’re joking, because you’d come up with at least twenty of these plans in the few short weeks you’d known each other, and none of them had gotten past the “writing it down for posterity” stage.

“T)(at’s my ---ERIDAN!! So silly,” she said in a breathy laugh, and leaned her chin on your shoulder. “So, wanna go for a SWIM??”

“sure,” you said, heart beating so fast and so loud that you were sure Feferi’s lusus could hear it down in her cave.

“\------EXC-----ELL---ENT!” she shrieked, and you were sure that you went deaf there for a second, and then smiles split both of your faces.

You swam out together, through the window, and the smile stayed.

* * *

You don’t smile anymore. Not when you walk into the computer room, and Feferi and Sollux are lying in the horn pile together, laughing, having a feelings jam in front of everyone, and you’re left to stand there by the doorway feeling like a third wheel. No, not even like a third wheel. Like...like a wheel that was never even supposed to be part of the set.

At least when you walked in she used to smile at you. Now she doesn’t even do that anymore. She can barely look at you. Why? What happened? What have you done to scare her away?

You know what you want from her. Oh, how you wish she could be just as flushed for you as you are for her.

For so long you took your paleness for granted, and you thought being red was, naturally, the next step, but now that the paleness is gone, you just feel even emptier than you did before.

You sit at your computer. There’s nothing to do at your computer. Why are you even sitting at your computer?

You glance backwards, at the pile, at Sollux with that despicable smirk, at Feferi with that easy smile. Her eyes are shining, beautiful. She’s gesturing with hands like moving water, telling a story, no doubt.

Then she looks over at you, and the smile fades.

You promised yourself, the first time that happened, that if she couldn’t smile, then neither could you.

You just...don’t smile anymore.

* * *

“i think i can do it this time,” you said, grinning, because it was finally not a joke anymore. “i got a reely nice plan all set up.”

“Eridan,” Feferi said, disapproving, crossing her arms. “T)(at’s not nice.”

“but the land-dwwellers are so stupid! don’t tell me you can’t see it fef, alwways them tossin their trash into our wwater, thinkin they’re better than us evven though wwe’re the ones with the high blood—"

“Eridan,” Feferi repeated. “T)(at’s not nice.”

“c’mon fef,” you pleaded. “do this wwith me. wwe can stop those fuckin lowwblood morons if wwe wwork together!”

“I’m not going to )(elp you be M-EAN,” she said, frowning. “Come and see me when you’ve come to your senses.”

You watched as she drifts out of your window and into the open sea, and you wondered why she didn't think you were brave.

That’s all you ever wanted from these stupid plans, after all.

* * *

Sometimes you don’t even go the computer room, because it’s always full of them.

Everyone is in there, almost all the time, because there’s not a lot of other things to do on the asteroid except fuck around on the Internet, maybe chat with the other session. (Two things you’ve never found terribly appealing in the first place.)

Gamzee and Tavros are there, trying to rap but failing miserably, and your old kind-of-kismesis leans on Tavros’s wheelchair and smirks. Terezi cackles and Karkat screams and curses, Kanaya exchanges green text for purple. Nepeta and Equius squeal at animated, unrealistically coloured horses on Equius’s monitor. Aradia sits and mopes. There’s always tap-tapping of keyboards, sometimes music playing from an ancient portable audio-box.

But it doesn’t matter how much sound there is in the room. All you can hear is them, Sollux’s lisped sentences and Feferi’s high-pitched giggle and the honk of horns as they shift on their pile.

So you stay in your room and hope that nobody will call you out on it.

Honestly, though? Nobody notices you anyway. They don’t like you, they never have, and they never will. You’re just that kind of person.

The kind that nobody loves.

* * *

“sorry, i reely am,” you told her. “i wwas just kiddin, i swwear!”

“Just kidding?” she said, face pink with anger. “W)(at do you M-EAN, Eridan??? I )(ad to GO UP TO T)(-E SURFAC---E and G-ET YOU! I )(ad to pull you back to make sure you didn’t )(URT anyone! T)(ey may be stupid land-dwellers, but, Eridan, t)(ey’re also my SUBJ--ECTS TO B-E. I DON’T WANT them to get )(URT!”

“i wwasn’t gonna do anyfin,” you whispered. You stared at the bottom of the ocean floor, at the sand, and felt guilty.

“You W---ER-E going to do SOM-Efin,” Feferi snapped. “I watc)(ed you take your weapon wit)( you, okay? You W-ER-E going to )(urt people!”

“i said i wwas sorry.”

“I’ll consider your apology,” she hissed, and you could tell she was angry at you.

Luckily, this was the sixth time this had happened – you had gone up to land and tried to kill some land-dwellers and Feferi had caught you.

And every time she’d been back the next day with that same bright smile on her face.

She gave you a pained look and swam away, but you knew she’d be back, because she always was.

* * *

Today, you tell yourself, is the last day you will ever go into the computer lab.

They’re sitting on the horn pile again.

To protect your dignity, you sit down at your computer, which is pointless because it’s just a pile of ash, but it’s an excuse to be there.

You pick up a little bit of the ash between your thumb and first finger, and let it fall back onto the pile, and listen.

“You’r-e )(urt, Sollux!”

“it’2 nothiing,” Sollux says. “ii ju2t fell, 2craped up my 2iide a biit.”

“Sollux, I can S-E-E you’re bleeding, let me just take a look!”

“eheh, 2top iit, ff, that tiickle2!”

“Stop moving, you silly GOOS----E!” She giggles, and he laughs, and you pretend that you are the ashes in front of you and that this display means nothing to you.

Nothing at all.

* * *

“\---Eridan, you’re )(urt!” She kicked over to you almost immediately.

“it’s nothin,” you said, grinning a little. “coral just scratched me up a bit, ‘s all.” But you were holding your side, trying to hold back the purple seeping out. Your gills were the weakest part of your body, and coral cut deep, no matter where the wound was. 

She gave you a look. “Eridan, I can S-EE your blood in t)(e water, and it’s OBVIOUS you’re in pain! Let me )(elp you.”

You were about to argue, you really were, but then you felt her hands at your hips, pulling your shirt off, manoeuvring it carefully around your horns. The saltwater stung your gills where they were cut, and purple leaked into the water like watercolours.

Feferi breathed out sharply through her gills. “Let’s get you inside, before you attract any toothy swimbeasts!”

She brought you to her hive, laid you on her bed, held you in her arms. Her fingertips ghosted along your gills – her softest, most loving touch – and you couldn’t help but shiver.

There was nothing in any universe that you wanted more than that touch to be all yours.

* * *

Sometimes you wished you could go back to Alternia, to your old hive, to the ocean. Just to swim. To lie down on the beach and tan a little. To wait there by the rocks for Feferi to pop up out of the waves with that huge grin on her face and say, “)(---EY, get in t)(e water, silly!”

But she wouldn’t do that, not now. Not even if you were back on Alternia.

It’s times like this when you wish you’d spent more time in the water. Just because it would have been more time spent with her.

* * *

“Eridan, you absolute IDIOT!”

She stormed into your hive looking angrier than she ever had.

Whoops.

“T)(is is t)(e t)(irty-sixt)( time you’ve done somet)(ing so stupid,” Feferi hissed at you.

“you didn’t catch me this time, though!” you objected.

She sucked in a breath through her gills. “I know, and t)(at’s part of w)(y I’m so upset.”

“i only got three.”

“You got three?!?” She rubbed at her face with her hands. “Eridan, w)(y do you even do t)(is? W)(at makes it so muc)( fun to you?”

“i don’t like the land-dwwellers! is that so hard to understand?”

“Yes, it is, I don’t understand w)(y you’d kill t)(em just because t)(ey were born a little differently from you!!!”

You stared at her, mouth open a little. “they’re all assholes, fef, you don’t see that? throwin’ their trash into the ocean, thinkin’ they’re so great, them with the mustard bloods and the rust bloods and, hell, even the blue bloods are disgusting. you’re a high-blood, fef, I expected you to agree with me!”

“I’m the )(ighest blood there is,” she said, stiffly, “and t)(at’s w)(y I have to care for all blood types. No matter )(ow disgusting. Now, w)(o did you kill?”

“hell if I know!” you said, spreading your arms in surrender. “a rust blood, a jade blood, and i don’t remember the last one. maybe a mustard.”

She stared at you for a long while. It was hard to read her face.

Finally eyes shifted beneath goggles and she said, “I’m going )(ome. Don’t...don’t talk to me for a few days, just t)(ink about w)(at you did, all rig)(t? And know t)(at I don’t like it.”

You watched her go, didn’t say a word.

* * *

And now you wonder if you should have.

If you should have spoken up, maybe taken responsibility for how ridiculous the whole situation was.

Now you can’t even believe you would put your relationship with Fef in jeopardy for something as stupid as some silly little genocidal cravings.

You slip into your recuperacoon, and you dream of horrorterrors, and you are glad, because it’s better than thinking about the things that you did wrong.

* * *

You knew she’d be back.

She always was.

That was just how your moiraillegiance worked. No matter how many times you screwed up, Fef was always going to be there for you, picking up the pieces and wagging a finger in your direction.

And she was back, only four days later, knocking on the window of your respiteblock with a huge smile on her face.

You would never have guessed it to be forced.

That was the last time you went for a swim together. She seemed so bright, like she’d forgiven you for everything. Just how was it that she managed to make you feel so good about yourself? Even though a few days ago she’d made you feel like fucking whaleshit for killing a few land-dwellers, she was willing to put a smile on your face today.

Why did you like her so much? Was it her hair, swirling around her like a curtain in the current? The graceful way she swam, perhaps, or the pink blush that dusted her cheeks when you complimented her skirt. Her smile, maybe, or her eyes, wide and genuine behind those goggles she loved so much. The way she spoke? How excited she could get over the smallest things?

You decided that it was stupid to come up with words for it when the only thing that mattered was that you were flushed for Feferi Peixes, and you intended to tell her.

Now, just how to do it?

* * *

You wake up, stare into the green thickness of sopor slime, make no move to emerge. You sit there and you think about this mess you’re in. You think that maybe you should just...give up. Go join Jack Noir. Be on the winning side. It’s the only way you can survive.

You would say that’s the only thing you know for sure, but that would be a filthy lie. You also know that you want Fef to be by your side.

She always was before. Why wouldn’t she be now?

You climb out of the slime, towel off, get dressed, do up your hair. Just before you leave, as an afterthought, you grab your wand and head down to the computer room.

As you suspected, they’re there in the horn pile, but you’ve mustered up the necessary courage for this endeavour and you’re not going to give up now. No matter how many dirty looks that fucking mustardblood shoots your way.

* * *

You were both on the blue team together, so it was definitely fate.

The entire time she was waiting to get into the Medium, your collapsing and expanding bladder based aquatic vascular system had been working overtime, and once she did get in, it nearly stopped completely. You silently thank the Mother Grub that she’s alive.

The first person she trolled was you, and that makes you feel like this is the time to tell her what you want. 

CA: and i decided i havve somethin i wwant to tell you

CA: that ivve been meanin to get off my nub for a wwhile noww

* * *

It doesn’t go well.

It goes all wrong.

She doesn’t want to go with you, and Sollux gets angry, and he fights you, and then your wand...just...

You didn’t mean to.

Oh, gog, _Fef_.

You didn’t mean to.

* * *

\-- cuttlefishCuller [CC] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

CA: wwait

CA: don’t go

**Author's Note:**

> home sick today (eeuughhh) so i decided to be productive !?


End file.
